blahhhhh

So much of my interests lie in the intangible workings of the brain, mind, body, spirit of the individual (namely myself) and the collective race of human beings.

Philosophy and reading, considering ideas, sleeping on it, and letting it sink into my opinions is becoming an enjoyable pastime, one that I really enjoy and am drawn to, especially when the physical world is pounding on the door, yelling at me to wash the dishes and floor, and pay my phone bill to a company I don't like.

It's funny how expressing these thoughts, even on type and releasing them into cyberspace to be potentially read or never read, is worry-releasing. I know that I have pent up memes when my sentences get longer and longer, becoming a fragment on a fragment of fragments building a collection of fragments that may connect, like the 8 degrees of Kevin Bacon.

One of my favorite pastimes as a child was to daydream for 40 minutes straight, on the school bus as it made its way to town, picking up kids in the countryside. I miss this guaranteed time for brain waves to flow uncensored, un-judged, without a price tag or time tag stamped and signed off on. I had 180 minutes to explore my mental playground, and today there's no appreciation for it.

I am so very afraid of the most illogical things, and it is this non-logic that binds me into the prison of self restraint, worry, and never feeling like I did or can do good enough. It's kind of like staring at the top of a sky scraper, wanted to get up there to enjoy the view, while walking around trying to find the door to the stairwell. I am not looking where I am going, I trip over the newspaper stand, the dip in the sidewalk, or the cute puppy and I get so angry when I fall on my face. I can't figure it out, why am I in pain? I have to look where I am going (long term = top of the building) and short term (the action of the street) and maybe even mid term (Where will I get the energy to sustain this journey.mm maybe a teen burger for breakfast) I'm reading Tao Te Ching For the West at the central library, and I am learning so much to keep balance in my spiritual life. But I am not getting any further on my 'homework'. I am so frustrated, I need a guide. I need to remind myself the cost of DIY, or learn at my own pace is, and always will be, the great concept of Time.

Once I get the fluff out of my mind, I want to do a few regular things.